A Year to Live - From Resistance to Acceptance

From the moment I decided to experiment with A Year to Live I knew it wouldn't be totally authentic. It's all well and good to dream big dreams, create a bucket list, and boldly experience all I want to do, when I'm healthy and A Year to Live is just a concept, an experiment, another adventure to explore. If I had truly been given a diagnosis that I had a year to live it's most likely that my health would be failing and my ability to do all that I wanted to do would be limited. My hopes and dreams may take a back seat to the reality of my physical condition.

In the past few weeks I've invited the participants of A Year to Live to start paying attention, to nature, to mundane tasks, to meaningful activities, to what's happening outside of them and what's happening inside them. All of that is a way of making each of us present to WHAT IS. When we become present to what is, it's a little easier to accept what is. It doesn't mean we give up preferences, or we stop working to change things, but that desire to improve or change things comes from a place of accepting what is rather than wasting energy resisting it.

Well, today I got to experience that first hand. My bucket list for a Year to Live was simple - 1) spend more time with the people I love and 2) swim in the wild with dolphins. Well, already I've had a week in Hawaii with my closest friend and her family and I've swum with dolphins. Hurray for me.

Day 75 of my Year to Live "should" have seen me getting on a plane to Florida to visit my mom and dad who are vacationing there. From there I would fly to Chicago to be with my in-laws for my first passover with my in-laws. Yipppeee!!!

Shoulda, woulda, coulda. By late yesterday it was becoming obvious that my trip to florida was not likely to happen. I was getting sick and getting sicker fast! I called my folks and warned them that I might not be on the flight as planned. I had a very rough night - up many times due to pain and discomfort. The phone woke me At 7:45 am. It was my mom calling to check in. Just by answering the phone she knew the answer. I would not be coming to visit. My flight was leaving without me in half an hour. We were both disappointed and we cried, said I love yous and I fell back asleep. When I woke again later I had another little cry. Yes, I was really sad. I would rather be visiting my folks than lying in bed in pain. That's true. And yet after my cry, I was able to accept that this is what's true for me right now. I don't know why I had to get sick now, when i had "better" plans. I do know that lying in bed unable to do much else has allowed my mind to wander and I've come up with a few creative ideas. (I won't say they're good ideas, but they are creative!)

So my Year to Live experience has gotten a little more REAL. The texture of this experience is different from the high of swimming with dolphins, but it's no less important, in fact there is a similarity to it. The themes of Intention, Acceptance, Surrender, Gratitude are ever present now as they were then. I had the intention to travel today to see my beloved family. I accepted yesterday that it might not happened. I surrendered to the reality that I was unable to get out of bed. I'm grateful for the love and acceptance I have with my family. I'm grateful for the ideas I have flowing through my mind. I'm grateful that I have a super comfortable bed in which to spend the day, a mellow dog to hang out with, and a loving husband to care for me.

Is surrender an option in challenging times?

There's no doubt that we are in a time of change, and change can be challenging. Most of us fear change when we are not creating it. So really it's probably more a matter of control. When things are changing around us we feel we've lost control. And that can be very scary.

I'm someone who's really enjoyed control. When I run businesses I like making decisions and living or dying by them. I have always been comfortable with taking responsibility for my actions and decisions. I have never felt like a victim of anyone or anything. I've always felt like I was in control. That is until I wasn't...

In my mid-30s I got really sick. I'd had digestive disorders my whole life, and though I had pain every day I had it "under contro". Then at 35 everything seemed to change. My body was reacting violently to all food and drink. Then it started hurting even if I wasn't eating or drinking. I discovered I had celiac, but giving up gluten didn't help. I had a severe case of IBS , but all of the medication and alternative treatments couldn't lift me out of this cycle of pain, nausea, and fatigue. I spent all my money, time, and energy focused on overcoming this debilitating pain that had me bed-ridden for far too long. 

After suffering with this for years, after trying every medical, alternative, physical, emotional and spiritual approach I could find I finally did the only thing that was left. I surrendered. I stopped trying to control my body, control my pain, control my shame about being sick, and control other people's impression of me. And the strangest thing happened - no I wasn't miraculously cured. I would still be up at night with terrible pain. I would still have to cancel plans at the last minute because I just couldn't get out of bed. But something changed. I stopped suffering. Though my body was still wracked with pain, the suffering ended. The suffering was happening in my mind. The place where it wanted it all to be different, wanted me to be back in control. 

Once I gave up control, I started to see my body as an ally to be honored rather than an enemy to be dominated. I saw it as a teacher, a wise guru, that had been speaking the truth to me for many years - first in a whisper, then a quiet voice, growing louder all the time, until it had to shout at me non-stop for years to get my attention. This teacher had been admonishing me to slow down, feel my feelings, enjoy life, take it less seriously, play more, rest more, enjoy more, love and be loved more.

Since surrendering my life has never been better. I live much simpler and much happier. I have more time with the people I love. I have more time with myself. I could never in my 30's imagined a life as rich and pleasurable as the one I live now. But it took a catastrophic change to get me here.

Today things are changing all around us. To some it feels catastrophic. I see fear on faces and hear it in voices of people around me. They are facing a future that is unsure. They want to maintain control.  Instead of fighting what is happening, what might happen if they surrendered?

I have a friend who's been on a financial fast track for the 5 years I have known her. Amassing her wealth so she could build a healing retreat center in Costa Rica one day. She was always analyzing and planning. Then everything changed. Her real estate deals went sour, her net worth plummeted and her dreams seemed farther away than ever. Then she did something I'd never seen her do. She surrendered. She followed her heart and went down to Costa Rica. She was introduced to a woman who had set up a beautiful eco-lodge with an olympic sized pool but wanted to move back to the US. She was looking for someone to run her place. So my friend and her husband stepped in. He runs the restaurant and she offers yoga, meditation and healing practices. Her dream came to her as soon as she dropped the need to control it all.

Maybe surrender isn't the right path for you. I don't think there's only one path to happiness. But if the one you are traveling is not bringing you peace, maybe you want to take a detour for a while and try the path of surrender.