Celebrating Lives - Bob Niemerow's Nourishing The World Through Touch

Bob Niemerow is a touch educator and relationship coach. His practice is in Los Angeles. Bob has had a love affair with sensual touch since the early 70’s when he studied Esalen massage and became a massage therapist. He later spent 3 years studying sexuality at More University in the Bay Area, and is also a California state certified sexological body worker. (Seriously, that is a real thing. I looked it up) His primary interest is teaching the art of loving, sensual, connected touch.

Isn't Nourishing Touch just a groovy name for massage?

What I do is more profound than a standard massage. That's because I come to the table, so to speak, with a different set of intentions than most massage practitioners. Yes. I thoroughly work out muscle tension, as any skilled body therapist should. However, that's where the similarity ends. I use warm coconut oil and spread it slowly over my client's skin. The spreading of the oil is the beginning of a journey to discover what feels pleasurable to my hands. I'm reading what feels good to my client by paying attention to the sensations I'm feeling. I use long strokes that glide from one joint to the next, creating a feeling of euphoria and a celebration of living in human skin (so my clients report).

Is it just me or is it getting hot in here ~ Did you have a turning point in your life that lead you to this work?

Yes. Some years ago, I attended a wonderful class called Basic Sensuality at More University in the Bay Area. One small part of that course, was, to me, quite revolutionary. They taught that the way to have someone feel best when I was touching them was to touch for my own pleasure. Furthermore, they said that if I paid attention to how pleasurable my sensation was moment to moment, in my hand, that I could know how good it was feeling to the person I was touching.

If I had not been required to go home that night and test this out with my partner, I would have never believed it. To my amazement, I found it was true that as the amount of pleasure varied for me, my partner experienced the same variation in sensation. We literally mirrored each others' sensory experience which I discovered through conversation about our touch exchanges. Over time, this changed my entire orientation when I touched someone. Rather than trying to do something to someone that I thought they might enjoy, I noticed whether my touch was feeling good to me as I touched them. This created a sense of empathic connection through tuned-in touch, moment to moment. As long as I tracked and followed the pleasure in my body, it nearly always felt pleasurable to the person I was touching. When l teach this now, I call this particular experience Connected Touch.

What's so important about touch?

So many of us get far less touch than we need. America is a touch-averse society compared to other world cultures. We also numb out in the face of stress. In fact, there is a recognized condition called skin hunger - which is a feeling of physical distress based on a lack of caring touch. Scientists call this feeling Touch Deprivation. A sense of being numb, living in your head, or feeling ungrounded can be symptoms of skin hunger. One of my intentions is to remedy this deficit - to truly fill my clients' cup with nurturing touch. To reconnect my clients with their own juiciness. Even a small amount of this kind of touch feels comforting. To get marinated in it for nearly two hours can produce feelings of sublime well being.

You are probably aware that getting high quality touch has a plethora of health benefits: from lowering levels of stress hormones, to improving immunity, lowering blood pressure, mediating pain and improving mood. These are not just new-age cliches, but have recently been confirmed scientifically. (Check out the Touch Research Institute). Furthermore, good quality touch can dramatically improve our feeling of well being. For example: this particular experience of Nurturing Touch can take someone from feeling grouchy, mildly depressed and uncomfortable in their own skin to feeling optimistic and vibrantly alive. Touch increases a hormone in our body called oxytocin that produces feelings.

I know your work is about much more than sex ~ I can't help but think this way of touching could really rock your sex life.

Absolutely! Although learning touch and sexual techniques can be helpful, if you do these "to" someone, they are likely to feel mechanical to both of you. The good news is, that if you let go of any strict adherence to "technique", and follow yourpleasure, wherever that might take you, you will both have a better time, and feel more connected to each other. The key to finding out if this actually works for you, is skillful communication with your partner. What I recommend to start is a conversation called "The Post Game Show". The Post Game Show is a Q and A session after a sexual encounter where both partners describe their felt experiences during sex.

Yikes - that could get awkward. What if we just texted each other?

This may be really edgy for a lot of people. But the rewards far outweigh the momentary discomfort surrounding the creation of a sexual dialogue with your partner. This is where you can begin to discover if what you think is happening during sex isreally happening. Your assumptions based on your partner's responses may get blown out of the water in this process. Eventually, when you both get comfortable with honest communication about sexual sensations, the possibility arises of becoming sexually empathic with each other. I specialize in facilitating this kind of dialogue with couples.

What advice do you have for people who don't get enough touch in their lives?

I was once one of those people. I scratched the surface of my need with a weekly deep tissue massage. I always knew this wasn't enough. Then I thought that having a loving partner would satisfy my skin hunger. What I discovered was the quality of touch I received was more important than the quantity. Over time I came to realize I actually needed to train someone to give me the one-way touch with loving hands that I craved. It is my intention to train many skilled practitioners in the art of loving presence that is Nurturing Touch.

Until those practitioners are out there, self-massage can help, though I've rarely found it to work as well as being touched by someone else. Share connected touch with a friend, a lover or family member. Do massage trades. Cuddle. Paying for a weekly massage can help. And if possible, find a massage therapist, who in addition to relieving your muscle tension, addresses your need for good quality, caring touch. Two massage styles that may provide this experience are Esalen massage and Lomi Lomi massage, although even here, the technical proficiency of the massage therapist is less important than the feeling of love and comfort you feel through their hands.

In our experiment A Year to Live, we've been practicing paying attention. That's what your work seems to be about. How does paying attention influence your life?

I'm most aware of this when it comes to touch. What I've noticed is that receiving Nourishing Touch has expanded my capacity for presence in all areas of my life. Learning to give and receive this kind of present, loving touch has made me a happier human being, and given me some of my most wonderful experiences so far. It is not uncommon when I am massaging someone to feel filled with unconditional love. Does it get any better than that?

No, it really doesn't. So, what inspires you these days?

Coaching people about how to touch each other in a truly soul-satisfying way. Particularly for couples, who may have been together for some time, and don't touch each other nearly as much as they used to, and find themselves drifting apart. This can be a way for them to begin re-connecting with each other.

How does touch fit into our "texting while driving" culture?

Nourishing Touch slows us down. We speed along, spending far more time "touching" our electronic devices than we do each other. I value my computer as much as the next person, but perhaps we're spending too much time touching the wrong thing, creating a society in which we are more connected electronically than physically. This results in far less intimacy with the people in our lives. We often walk around feeling bereft, disconnected and alone while we busily twitter and facebook away.

What do you still want to explore that you haven't yet?

Deeper experiences of communion and energy flow in sacred sexuality.

Amen. If you only had a year to live, how would you live it?

Dark chocolate, and lots of it. Enjoying the beauty of nature at some of our national parks. I would spend more non-busy, connected, physical time with my partner Ellen.

Three words that describe you

Loving. Committed. Tactile.

Love that! It was so nice to connect with you. Let's stay in touch!

Share your story in your own words at Bcelebrated.

A Year to Live - From Resistance to Acceptance

From the moment I decided to experiment with A Year to Live I knew it wouldn't be totally authentic. It's all well and good to dream big dreams, create a bucket list, and boldly experience all I want to do, when I'm healthy and A Year to Live is just a concept, an experiment, another adventure to explore. If I had truly been given a diagnosis that I had a year to live it's most likely that my health would be failing and my ability to do all that I wanted to do would be limited. My hopes and dreams may take a back seat to the reality of my physical condition.

In the past few weeks I've invited the participants of A Year to Live to start paying attention, to nature, to mundane tasks, to meaningful activities, to what's happening outside of them and what's happening inside them. All of that is a way of making each of us present to WHAT IS. When we become present to what is, it's a little easier to accept what is. It doesn't mean we give up preferences, or we stop working to change things, but that desire to improve or change things comes from a place of accepting what is rather than wasting energy resisting it.

Well, today I got to experience that first hand. My bucket list for a Year to Live was simple - 1) spend more time with the people I love and 2) swim in the wild with dolphins. Well, already I've had a week in Hawaii with my closest friend and her family and I've swum with dolphins. Hurray for me.

Day 75 of my Year to Live "should" have seen me getting on a plane to Florida to visit my mom and dad who are vacationing there. From there I would fly to Chicago to be with my in-laws for my first passover with my in-laws. Yipppeee!!!

Shoulda, woulda, coulda. By late yesterday it was becoming obvious that my trip to florida was not likely to happen. I was getting sick and getting sicker fast! I called my folks and warned them that I might not be on the flight as planned. I had a very rough night - up many times due to pain and discomfort. The phone woke me At 7:45 am. It was my mom calling to check in. Just by answering the phone she knew the answer. I would not be coming to visit. My flight was leaving without me in half an hour. We were both disappointed and we cried, said I love yous and I fell back asleep. When I woke again later I had another little cry. Yes, I was really sad. I would rather be visiting my folks than lying in bed in pain. That's true. And yet after my cry, I was able to accept that this is what's true for me right now. I don't know why I had to get sick now, when i had "better" plans. I do know that lying in bed unable to do much else has allowed my mind to wander and I've come up with a few creative ideas. (I won't say they're good ideas, but they are creative!)

So my Year to Live experience has gotten a little more REAL. The texture of this experience is different from the high of swimming with dolphins, but it's no less important, in fact there is a similarity to it. The themes of Intention, Acceptance, Surrender, Gratitude are ever present now as they were then. I had the intention to travel today to see my beloved family. I accepted yesterday that it might not happened. I surrendered to the reality that I was unable to get out of bed. I'm grateful for the love and acceptance I have with my family. I'm grateful for the ideas I have flowing through my mind. I'm grateful that I have a super comfortable bed in which to spend the day, a mellow dog to hang out with, and a loving husband to care for me.

The Freedom of Forgiveness

"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die"
~ Malachy McCourt

In the experiment A YEAR TO LIVE, I invited the participants to review their life and become aware of the many people for whom they felt gratitude and appreciation, as well as those who might need to be forgiven. For me, it was a very powerful experience. I remembered an exercise I had done in forgiveness many years ago, and how free I felt once I really had completely forgiven this person. It was like a weight had been lifted from me, and space had been cleared in my brain for more creative thinking. I encouraged the participants to do the same exercise if they came across people who needed forgiving.

This week one of the participants wrote this in our forum:

"I have been working on forgiveness off and on since January as part of my Year and because the word/notion kept on popping up in books, websites, conversations so I knew I had to pay attention to what the "little"voice was saying. My meditation guide told me to meditate on forgiveness and I couldn't forgive my ex for what he had done to me, couldn't forgive my father for what he had done to me -during that meditation. It was a huge block.

And then out of the blue a few days later during a totally different meditation, it was there, overwhelmingly so, very emotional. But I knew when I came out of the meditation that the process of forgiveness had started. Within weeks I can say that yes I have forgiven my ex and my father and my life has never been better, lighter, happier. It seems so easy now looking back, but I know it took work, hard work. Work that I'm proud of, grateful for the Universe being there for me every step of the way, gently guiding me over the hurdles until the hurdles just dissolved and I know these hurdles and pain are gone now for good. Amazing that now that that dark cloud has been lifted how much sunshine there is!!!"

I know this woman has taken this year's experiment to heart and is doing everything with such gusto. Reading how this experience of forgiveness brought even more sunshine into her life, filled me with delight.

Let life kill you with delight

Every day I hear or see something that more or less kills me with delight,

That leaves me like a needle in the haystack of light. It was what I was born for - to look, to listen, to lose myself inside this soft world - to instruct myself over and over in joy and acclamation.

~Mary Oliver

Every day you pass by hundreds of doorways. These doorways lead to secret gardens of pleasure. They are everywhere around you. Voices whisper from the other side of the door, beckoning you to enter: to bathe you in the delightful sights, sounds and smells, textures, tastes and experiences the divine has waiting for you.

Most days you pass right by these doorways. You are in a hurry, pre-occupied, going somewhere you really need to get to. As you pass by the gardens in your busy life all the pleasures waiting for you release a collective sigh - their disappointment that once again they miss out on the joy of enchanting you.

What gardens? What doorways? Where are they?

All around you. You discover them when you remember what it's like to be a child. You find sacred beauty in everything around you.

My god-daughter Faith was walking with her mom when she was about four. She said to her, "Mom, don't walk so fast. You miss all the excitement that way." In her childhood brilliance Faith new that the real excitement wasn't to be found in where they were going, but was right there in front of them on the way. It was in the flowers they were passing that had opened when yesterday they had been closed buds. It was in the puddle that was the perfect size to for making big splashes. It was in the rocks she discovered that differed in colour from the ones she had already collected.

That wonder at the simple things in life is the wonder of the magical child. It's in all of us. It's just that she hasn't come out to play in a while. She doesn't rush. She needs to be coaxed out of hiding. Deadlines, goals, and hurrying make her run for cover. While she understands that you, the grown, have to live with all of this, she's just waiting for a moment when you can slow down, be a bit quiet, maybe even still. If you do that, she might just take you by the hand and lead you to the gardens. She knows where all of them are.

So this week I invite you to pay attention to nature, and look for the many doorways that lead to the gardens. Here are just a few ideas:

1. Just take a moment to look at the moon every night. Isn't it amazing that even though the changes from night to night are slight, she is always transforming. She becomes completely round and full only, to release it all until there is nothing left. Then she does it all over again.

2. If you are morning person, watch the sunrise. Do you notice that everyday it's rising a bit earlier, and it's position is changing ever so slightly? Same thing with the sunset. It's a little later everyday, and it's moving along the horizon as well.

3. Are there buds you hadn't noticed on a tree you pass everyday? Watch the changing of buds to blooms.

4. Listen for the noises that are pleasing. You might be surprised at the sweet sounds you can hear in the heart of the city.

5. Notice the changing produce in the grocery store. Caress the produce that's new to you. Feel the weight of it in your hands.

6. Run your hands along a rosemary bush, lavender plant, hug a tree.

There are millions of ways to pay attention. Doing so will turn the mundane in your life into the extraordinary.

The ordinary, the mundane and the simple will "kill you with delight" as Mary Oliver says.

Then share your experiences on your Bcelebrated site, or create a private page for someone you love and let them in on this little secret.

Can A Year to Live Make You More Successful? Responsible?

We're 69 days into our year to live and so far nobody's blown all their cash, quit their job, left their marriage or lost their home. In fact, quite the opposite is true.

When I tell people about A Year to Live some people immediately respond that they'd quit they're job, spend all their money, and blow their diet but after only a few minutes, every single person has changed their mind.

You may recall that when I sent out this challenge I received hate mail from a man named Fred. He told me I was irresponsible and reprehensible because those who joined my experiment would end up penniless, homeless and I'd be to blame. Perhaps Fred was only expressing his own knee-jerk reaction to this challenge? If he'd thought about it a bit more, maybe he'd realize as others have, that a year of hedonistic abandon may not really be his soul's deepest longing.

I've been impressed with the priorities people have set for themselves and the accomplishments people have made already.

• One participant told me that she's much more focused on her relationship with her husband, and taking more responsibility for creating a loving tone in their marriage.

• Another admitted that the first week of feeling what it would mean to have A Year to Live was an exhausting roller coaster of tears. She was tired of living in the moment and wanted to crawl back into bed when Monday rolled around. But instead started doing her job as if she only had a year. She felt focused but not stressed or overwhelmed. She approached a potential client she'd been trying to attract for over a year in this new "year to live" way, and she got the account.

• One participant shocked herself when she realized the number two item on her bucket list was to get out of debt.

• Margaret Floyd of EAT NAKED admitted that A Year to Live helped her take her focus off her financial goals and focus more on what she can give her clients as their nutritional therapist. She's even writing her book to help more people. It will be completed within the year.

What do you think you'd accomplish if you only had a year to live? What legacy would you want to leave for others?

Join Bcelebrated and leave a legacy of love and inspiration for those you will leave behind one day.

Why you want to have a brush with death

After a wonderful trip to Hawaii I returned to life as I know it in Sunny Santa Monica and got back into the groove of my every day life. Saturday morning I woke from a dream about a Tsunami. Now I know that dreams of water signify emotions and a Tsunami would be a LOT of emotion. In the dream I could see the Tsunami coming but nobody else could. Everyone was going about their business. Since the water wasn't going to harm anyone so there was no point in creating alarm.

A few hours later I was having lunch with a friend and my husband called. Turns out there'd been an earthquake in Chile hours earlier and a Tsunami was heading for Hawaii, where we'd just been, where my good friends still were. He told me that Nancy had just called to say goodbye in case they didn't make it through. I was shocked to hear the news, and at the same time felt very calm, knowing that they would be ok, perhaps because of the dream. I prayed that they would feel peace and find their inner resources to deal with the stress that is must be causing them.

As you know by now Hawaii wasn't affected by the Tsunami, and so my friends were fine. When Nancy returned home we had a talk about the experience. She kept saying how good it was for her. I delved deeper into the reasons for that. She said that facing her own death - and death felt like a very real possibility when she was woken by alarms and friends telling her to evacuate the area - things became clear.

She was happy to be with her husband and daughter. She was appreciative of the time we'd just had. She reached out to her family and let them know how much she loved them. She was surprised to find that she was without regret, and decided that if she made it through she'd like to have more fun. Maybe even drink more - that made me laugh since I decided to drink more, with only a year to live. (Neither of us really drink at all so drinking more is pretty minimal.)

Something happens when we face death. Things become crystal clear. The unimportant drivel that fills most of our waking hours, repeating itself over and over in our minds, is stripped away. What's left in its place is what really matters to us. As our life plays before our eyes we can reflect with gratitude or regret.

That's why I am living this year as if I have a year to live. It gives me a chance to review my life, get clear on what matters, and express my love to those I cherish. It's been a blessing to discover that I don't have regrets, that my relationships are solid and loving. I've been fortunate to do work that I'm passionate about, and have friends I care deeply about. My life has been a treasure, and while I've always been grateful, A Year to Live has made it all so very very clear.

I encourage you to take the challenge and live as if you only have a year to live, before you have your own brush with death. You'll be amazed at how facing death can enrich your life.

Swimming With Dolphins

Intention, Acceptance, Surrender, Gratitude

These four words were the theme of my week in Hawaii. Immediately after deciding to experiment with a Year to Live I created a bucket list. It isn't long: 1) spend more time with the people I love and 2) swim in the wild with dolphins.

Just after I wrote it, the chance to meet my girlfriend Nancy and her family on the big island of Hawaii presented itself. Seemed like an opportunity to check items off the list. We found a wonderful house to stay, booked our flights, and momentum carried us the rest of the way. If I was a more organized person I would have spent at least a bit of time researching what's involved in swimming with dolphins. I know when dealing with wild beings there's never a guarantee, but a little research might have increased the odds that it would actually happen.

A few people recommended places where I could swim with dolphins in captivity, but I love these creatures too much to do that. To me it's the equivalent of putting good gentle humans in jail so another species can be entertained by us and learn about us. Dolphins live with their families (pods) for their entire lives, communicate with each other through individual whistle sounds, can swim up to 20 mph and travel 3 - 7 miles a day. Their skin is made up of live cells and is incredibly sensitive, with no protection from bumps and bruises. In captivity they are taken from their pods, forced to swim in small circles, subjected to harmful noises, and handled by people for long periods of time. None of this is "natural" or healthy for them. Perhaps one of the saddest facts about dolphins in captivity is that tens of thousands of dolphins are killed each year during the hunt to provide dolphins for aquariums and "swim with dolphins" locations. It would break my heart to be part of this, as much as I want to experience them up close.

Back to Hawaii. The week was more than I could have hoped for. Lots of time to connect with my friends, time to play with my god-daugther Faith, beautiful sunrises, yoga, fabulous food and a community of interesting people who invited us to parties and took us on a hikes across the black lava fields, and to lush waterfalls. It was heaven. When I inquired about swimming with dolphins I got mixed responses: Yes, dolphins are spotted occassionaly at the black beach where we were staying. No, dolphins hadn't been seen there in a month. A few people recommended I drive up to Kona and take a boat tour which would pretty much guarantee that I'd see them.

Over the past two months decision-making has become much clearer for me. It was more important to spend time with my friends, than take a day away from our short trip to swim with dolphins. A bucket list is not a bunch of items to be checked off as accomplished at any cost, but rather meaningful experiences that I want to savor.

It had been my Intention to swim with them. I Accepted that it wasn't likely to happen. I Surrendered to the flow of the trip that lead from one great experience to another, and I was Grateful for the time to connect with my friends in a beautiful, warm location.

On the final morning before our flight I sat in meditation just before the sun rose. I had the strangest feeling that the dolphins were calling. My husband and I walked down to the black sand beach as the sun was rising. The water was calm and warmer than it had been. Far out there were two people swimming. I told Mark, "They're swimming with dolphins". And they were. We swam out and joined them. They welcomed us as friends. The woman sang through her snorkel mask and the dolphins LOVED it. Sticking close to her, we were surrounded by the pod of 20+ spinner dolphins. It was better than I could have hoped for. It was private and magical. The dolphins were playful and graceful and they filled my heart. I cried with gratitude for the gift that they are. It was so much more than an item to check off my list.