A Year to Live - From Resistance to Acceptance

From the moment I decided to experiment with A Year to Live I knew it wouldn't be totally authentic. It's all well and good to dream big dreams, create a bucket list, and boldly experience all I want to do, when I'm healthy and A Year to Live is just a concept, an experiment, another adventure to explore. If I had truly been given a diagnosis that I had a year to live it's most likely that my health would be failing and my ability to do all that I wanted to do would be limited. My hopes and dreams may take a back seat to the reality of my physical condition.

In the past few weeks I've invited the participants of A Year to Live to start paying attention, to nature, to mundane tasks, to meaningful activities, to what's happening outside of them and what's happening inside them. All of that is a way of making each of us present to WHAT IS. When we become present to what is, it's a little easier to accept what is. It doesn't mean we give up preferences, or we stop working to change things, but that desire to improve or change things comes from a place of accepting what is rather than wasting energy resisting it.

Well, today I got to experience that first hand. My bucket list for a Year to Live was simple - 1) spend more time with the people I love and 2) swim in the wild with dolphins. Well, already I've had a week in Hawaii with my closest friend and her family and I've swum with dolphins. Hurray for me.

Day 75 of my Year to Live "should" have seen me getting on a plane to Florida to visit my mom and dad who are vacationing there. From there I would fly to Chicago to be with my in-laws for my first passover with my in-laws. Yipppeee!!!

Shoulda, woulda, coulda. By late yesterday it was becoming obvious that my trip to florida was not likely to happen. I was getting sick and getting sicker fast! I called my folks and warned them that I might not be on the flight as planned. I had a very rough night - up many times due to pain and discomfort. The phone woke me At 7:45 am. It was my mom calling to check in. Just by answering the phone she knew the answer. I would not be coming to visit. My flight was leaving without me in half an hour. We were both disappointed and we cried, said I love yous and I fell back asleep. When I woke again later I had another little cry. Yes, I was really sad. I would rather be visiting my folks than lying in bed in pain. That's true. And yet after my cry, I was able to accept that this is what's true for me right now. I don't know why I had to get sick now, when i had "better" plans. I do know that lying in bed unable to do much else has allowed my mind to wander and I've come up with a few creative ideas. (I won't say they're good ideas, but they are creative!)

So my Year to Live experience has gotten a little more REAL. The texture of this experience is different from the high of swimming with dolphins, but it's no less important, in fact there is a similarity to it. The themes of Intention, Acceptance, Surrender, Gratitude are ever present now as they were then. I had the intention to travel today to see my beloved family. I accepted yesterday that it might not happened. I surrendered to the reality that I was unable to get out of bed. I'm grateful for the love and acceptance I have with my family. I'm grateful for the ideas I have flowing through my mind. I'm grateful that I have a super comfortable bed in which to spend the day, a mellow dog to hang out with, and a loving husband to care for me.