Celebrating Lives - Bob Niemerow's Nourishing The World Through Touch

Bob Niemerow is a touch educator and relationship coach. His practice is in Los Angeles. Bob has had a love affair with sensual touch since the early 70’s when he studied Esalen massage and became a massage therapist. He later spent 3 years studying sexuality at More University in the Bay Area, and is also a California state certified sexological body worker. (Seriously, that is a real thing. I looked it up) His primary interest is teaching the art of loving, sensual, connected touch.

Isn't Nourishing Touch just a groovy name for massage?

What I do is more profound than a standard massage. That's because I come to the table, so to speak, with a different set of intentions than most massage practitioners. Yes. I thoroughly work out muscle tension, as any skilled body therapist should. However, that's where the similarity ends. I use warm coconut oil and spread it slowly over my client's skin. The spreading of the oil is the beginning of a journey to discover what feels pleasurable to my hands. I'm reading what feels good to my client by paying attention to the sensations I'm feeling. I use long strokes that glide from one joint to the next, creating a feeling of euphoria and a celebration of living in human skin (so my clients report).

Is it just me or is it getting hot in here ~ Did you have a turning point in your life that lead you to this work?

Yes. Some years ago, I attended a wonderful class called Basic Sensuality at More University in the Bay Area. One small part of that course, was, to me, quite revolutionary. They taught that the way to have someone feel best when I was touching them was to touch for my own pleasure. Furthermore, they said that if I paid attention to how pleasurable my sensation was moment to moment, in my hand, that I could know how good it was feeling to the person I was touching.

If I had not been required to go home that night and test this out with my partner, I would have never believed it. To my amazement, I found it was true that as the amount of pleasure varied for me, my partner experienced the same variation in sensation. We literally mirrored each others' sensory experience which I discovered through conversation about our touch exchanges. Over time, this changed my entire orientation when I touched someone. Rather than trying to do something to someone that I thought they might enjoy, I noticed whether my touch was feeling good to me as I touched them. This created a sense of empathic connection through tuned-in touch, moment to moment. As long as I tracked and followed the pleasure in my body, it nearly always felt pleasurable to the person I was touching. When l teach this now, I call this particular experience Connected Touch.

What's so important about touch?

So many of us get far less touch than we need. America is a touch-averse society compared to other world cultures. We also numb out in the face of stress. In fact, there is a recognized condition called skin hunger - which is a feeling of physical distress based on a lack of caring touch. Scientists call this feeling Touch Deprivation. A sense of being numb, living in your head, or feeling ungrounded can be symptoms of skin hunger. One of my intentions is to remedy this deficit - to truly fill my clients' cup with nurturing touch. To reconnect my clients with their own juiciness. Even a small amount of this kind of touch feels comforting. To get marinated in it for nearly two hours can produce feelings of sublime well being.

You are probably aware that getting high quality touch has a plethora of health benefits: from lowering levels of stress hormones, to improving immunity, lowering blood pressure, mediating pain and improving mood. These are not just new-age cliches, but have recently been confirmed scientifically. (Check out the Touch Research Institute). Furthermore, good quality touch can dramatically improve our feeling of well being. For example: this particular experience of Nurturing Touch can take someone from feeling grouchy, mildly depressed and uncomfortable in their own skin to feeling optimistic and vibrantly alive. Touch increases a hormone in our body called oxytocin that produces feelings.

I know your work is about much more than sex ~ I can't help but think this way of touching could really rock your sex life.

Absolutely! Although learning touch and sexual techniques can be helpful, if you do these "to" someone, they are likely to feel mechanical to both of you. The good news is, that if you let go of any strict adherence to "technique", and follow yourpleasure, wherever that might take you, you will both have a better time, and feel more connected to each other. The key to finding out if this actually works for you, is skillful communication with your partner. What I recommend to start is a conversation called "The Post Game Show". The Post Game Show is a Q and A session after a sexual encounter where both partners describe their felt experiences during sex.

Yikes - that could get awkward. What if we just texted each other?

This may be really edgy for a lot of people. But the rewards far outweigh the momentary discomfort surrounding the creation of a sexual dialogue with your partner. This is where you can begin to discover if what you think is happening during sex isreally happening. Your assumptions based on your partner's responses may get blown out of the water in this process. Eventually, when you both get comfortable with honest communication about sexual sensations, the possibility arises of becoming sexually empathic with each other. I specialize in facilitating this kind of dialogue with couples.

What advice do you have for people who don't get enough touch in their lives?

I was once one of those people. I scratched the surface of my need with a weekly deep tissue massage. I always knew this wasn't enough. Then I thought that having a loving partner would satisfy my skin hunger. What I discovered was the quality of touch I received was more important than the quantity. Over time I came to realize I actually needed to train someone to give me the one-way touch with loving hands that I craved. It is my intention to train many skilled practitioners in the art of loving presence that is Nurturing Touch.

Until those practitioners are out there, self-massage can help, though I've rarely found it to work as well as being touched by someone else. Share connected touch with a friend, a lover or family member. Do massage trades. Cuddle. Paying for a weekly massage can help. And if possible, find a massage therapist, who in addition to relieving your muscle tension, addresses your need for good quality, caring touch. Two massage styles that may provide this experience are Esalen massage and Lomi Lomi massage, although even here, the technical proficiency of the massage therapist is less important than the feeling of love and comfort you feel through their hands.

In our experiment A Year to Live, we've been practicing paying attention. That's what your work seems to be about. How does paying attention influence your life?

I'm most aware of this when it comes to touch. What I've noticed is that receiving Nourishing Touch has expanded my capacity for presence in all areas of my life. Learning to give and receive this kind of present, loving touch has made me a happier human being, and given me some of my most wonderful experiences so far. It is not uncommon when I am massaging someone to feel filled with unconditional love. Does it get any better than that?

No, it really doesn't. So, what inspires you these days?

Coaching people about how to touch each other in a truly soul-satisfying way. Particularly for couples, who may have been together for some time, and don't touch each other nearly as much as they used to, and find themselves drifting apart. This can be a way for them to begin re-connecting with each other.

How does touch fit into our "texting while driving" culture?

Nourishing Touch slows us down. We speed along, spending far more time "touching" our electronic devices than we do each other. I value my computer as much as the next person, but perhaps we're spending too much time touching the wrong thing, creating a society in which we are more connected electronically than physically. This results in far less intimacy with the people in our lives. We often walk around feeling bereft, disconnected and alone while we busily twitter and facebook away.

What do you still want to explore that you haven't yet?

Deeper experiences of communion and energy flow in sacred sexuality.

Amen. If you only had a year to live, how would you live it?

Dark chocolate, and lots of it. Enjoying the beauty of nature at some of our national parks. I would spend more non-busy, connected, physical time with my partner Ellen.

Three words that describe you

Loving. Committed. Tactile.

Love that! It was so nice to connect with you. Let's stay in touch!

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